Napoleon Get's Saved

Characters:
Singer(s)
Narrator
Napolean Dynamite
Summer
Deb
Pedro
Kip
Happy Hands – 2 others to do movements to ÒThe RoseÓ

Note: This can be done as a series of skits or broken up between points of your message on salvation or helping someone get closer to Jesus.

Song – to the tune of the “Brady Bunch”:

Here's the story of a lovely lady,
Who was bringing up three very lovely girls.
All of them had hair of gold, like their mother,
The youngest one in curls.

It's the story of a man named Brady,
who was busy with three boys of his own.
They were four men living all together,
yet they were all alone.

Narrator: (lots of attitude and even mean and snotty.)
Wait that's the wrong story. This is a tale of a curly headed boy who found Jesus. This is the story of how Napoleon Dynamite got saved. We start our daring tale with Deb and Napoleon after school, Deb has found salvation in Jesus and she loves Napoleon so deeply that she must take him with her to eternity.

SUMMER TRIES TO STOP DEB.

Summer: Hey, Deb could I talk to you a minute?

Deb: Yeah.

Summer: I know that I have been really mean and ugly to you in the past. I just want you to know that I am sorry that I set your key chains on fire, and I am even sorrier that I referred to your glamour shots as “pigs shooting pigs,” and I had no right to pour the dog poop on you either. Well, I'm like, sorry and I hope you will forgive me.

Deb: Of course I forgive you. Can, I ask a question though? Why are you being nice to me now? You have been mean to me since first grade.

Summer: Well, I found Jesus.

Deb: I didn't know he was missing?

Summer: No, I went to summer camp with a friend. Youth America in Oklahoma.. Well, and… I realized that I have been a horrible person. I want to do better though. I want people to like me for me, not because I am so beautiful and popular. I have been going to a new church since I got back from camp, would you like to come with me this weekend?

Deb: You want me to come somewhere with you? Sure.

BOTH WALK OFF TOGETHER…

ENTER GRANDMA.

Grandma: Napoleon, NAPOLEON!!!!!!!!! Get the door boy. I am fixing to leave.

Napoleon: But, Grandma I'm hungry…..

Grandma: Boy, make yourself a quesadilla after you get the door. And boy, don't you forget to feed Tina either.

Napoleon: Ok.. GAW…

ENTER DEB.

Deb: What are you going to do today Napoleon?

Napoleon: What ever I feel like…. Gaaaaa

Deb: Would you like to go to church with me tonight? We have lot's of fun. I hear that we may even get to make Jesus for President key chains. Do you want to come?

Napoleon: I don't think so. Kip has a chat room date and I have to feed Tina and I don't like church. You have to sit still. I went once and all I did was work on my portfolio of unicorns. We should start our own church. The First Liger Church of Nellie Protection – how does that sound? We could do chants to the spirit of the Liger and pray to the wizards for Nellie's protection.

Deb: No Napoleon, it's not like that. This is all about a relationship with God, thru His Son, Jesus Christ. They play loud music and everyone just gets lost in worshiping the Son of God. Easter is coming up soon. You know what Easter is about don't you? (If itÕs not Spring, skip or change this line.)

Napoleon: Sure I know what Easter is about. The bunny comes and gives out presents and we eat chocolate and everyone gets dressed up and we eat lunch together. I'm not stupid, Deb.. Gaaaaa What do you think I am, an idiot?

Deb: I was thinking more about what happened on Easter 2000 years ago?

Napoleon: When Nellie came out to bless the Irishmen of the Loch and laid her first and only egg?

Deb: Not exactly. I was talking about when God sent His son to earth and they called Him Jesus, and he walked around with a bunch of guys and did miracles and preached and stuff and He never did anything wrong. And then one Friday the people nailed Him to a cross and He died for your and my sins and then on Sunday He was raised from the dead and then walked around for awhile before He went up to Heaven to be with His Dad-God.

Napoleon: So you go to a Zombie church? You worship a dead guy that walks around, like Dawn of the dead or something. Wizards have more power, maybe you need to watch Zena the Warrior Princess. Zeus the Sun God lives and his chosen offspring still dwell deep with in the Loch protected by Nessie's humps of regurgitated air. She comes up at night and takes the air back to an underground cave and supplies the future warriors with sustenance.

Deb: But Napoleon this is real, I went last week and something inside told me that this was real. I went to one of the leaders and she prayed with me and I accepted Jesus as my personal savior and I am getting baptized tonight. Won't you come with me?

Napoleon: Gaaaa, I guess so. It is so hard being so popular and sexy that everyone wants you. I know how Brad Pitt feels.

BOTH WALK OFF.

Song – sung to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies

Well, the first thing you know, old Jed's a millionaire
Kin folk said, Jed, move away from there
Said, Californy is the place you oughta be
So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly
Hills, that is, swimmin' pools, movie stars

Narrator:
Oh, wrong song again…Well, Napoleon went with Deb and sure enough, God showed up and Napoleon got radically saved, now he is hot after his friends, so they can meet Jesus.

Napoleon: Pedro, you must come to church with me tonight. Deb will be there. And it is fun. The people actually talked to me and no one beat me up or stuck me in a locker. And look what they have … (he pulls a big hand full of Tots out of his pants pockets) all the Tots you can eat. And (he reaches into his other pocket and pulls out cheese) with cheese Pedro.

Pedro: I don't know Napoleon…My wig is itching and what do they do?

Napoleon: Gaaa, they praise the Lord. It's mucho bueno–and we voted for you at school, now it's time for you to vote for Jesus.

Pedro: OK, I will come and check out Jesus. Do you think there would be a market for “vote for Jesus” t-shirts?

Napoleon: Pedro, You have some serious entrepeneurial skills.

BOTH WALK OFF.

Kip: Will you give me a tow into town Napoleon? I have Self Defense class. Want to see what I learned? Get in your stance and try and hit me, give it your best shot (he jumps up and down and kicks around and near Napoleon making martial art sounds).

Napoleon: Kip, don't make me get you. I found Jesus and I'm not supposed to hit you, but if you touch me I am going to have to.

KIP WHACKS HIM, AND HE AND KIP HAVE A SLAP FIGHT AND NAPOLEON SLAPS HIM IN THE HEAD AND KIP FALLS DOWN.

Kip: Why did you have to do that? I can't use my special moves, if I kill you. I am registered as a lethal weapon and I could kill you. And then I would go to jail. All I want is a tow to town.

Napoleon: I will tow you, if you come to church with me.

Kip: Ok…

Song – sung to the tune of SpongeBob Squarepants, REALLY LOUD!!!!!!!!

Are you ready Kids?
Aye Captain..
I Can't hear you?
Aye Captain…
Who lives in a Pineapple under the sea?
SpongeBob SquarePants!
Absorbant and yellow and porous is he.
SpongeBob SquarePants!
If Nautical nonsense be something you wish.
Sponge Bob SquarePants!

Narrator: Stop, please stop! I can take the Brady Bunch and Beverly Hillbillies, but not that song. Anything but that song.

Singer: (a little quieter, almost like a question) Then drop on the deck and flop like a fishÉ

Narrator: I said please!!!!!! Don't make me… I am in church and my mother is here and I don't want there to be blood…

Singer: (softly) Sponge Bob SquarePantsÉ (NARRATOR CHASES SINGER OFF THE STAGE.)

NAPOLEON AND KIP ARE AT CHURCHÉ(KIP IS STILL IN HIS INLINE SKATES).

Napoleon: I believe in Jesus. You should believe in Him too Kip . . . always and forever.

Kip: I didn't want to come anyway. I would rather be chatting online with Lafonda.

UP WALKS DEB, WHO, ALONG WITH SUMMER AND SEVERAL OTHERS, STARTS TO SING AND DO MOVEMENTS TO BETTE MIDLER'S “THE ROSE.”

Some say love,
it is a river
that drowns the tender reed.
Some say love,
it is a razor
that leaves your soul to bleed.
Some say love,
it is a hunger,
an endless aching need.
I say love,
it is a flower,
and you its only seed.

It's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance.
It's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance.
It's the one who won't be taken,
who cannot seem to give,
and the soul afraid of dyin'
that never learns to live.

Kip: Napoleon, letÕs go or I am telling Uncle Rico and Grandma.

Napoleon: (looks up obviously surprised, up walk Deb and Pedro) Kip I Love the Lord and I just want to experience him, Gaaaa..

Pedro: Jesus is your homey now Napoleon. Yes, Jesus offers you His Protection.

ALL WALK OFF.

Narrator: (A little messed up, obviously has been in a fight with the Singer.)
The time has come for us to close this story of the Saving Grace of Jesus Christ and Napoleon. Napoleon has a deeper knowledge of Jesus and tonight is his first performance as a praise dancer. Let's give it up for Napoleon Dynamite.

NAPOLEON DOES THE NAPOLEON DANCE – MINUS THE PELVIC THRUSTS.

Written by Matthew Armstrong