Jupiter Ascending (6/30/2015)

Rated PG-13 for some violence, sequences of sci-fi action, some suggestive content and partial nudity.

Starring Mila Kunis, Channing Tatum, Eddie Redmayne, Douglas Booth and Sean Bean

Directed by Andy Wachowski and Lana Wachowski (Cloud Atlas, Speed Racer and The Matrix)

Jupiter Ascending belongs on the SyFy Channel…not on the big screen.

Jupiter Jones (Kunis) was born under a night sky, with signs predicting that she was destined for great things. Now grown, Jupiter dreams of the stars but wakes up to the cold reality of a job cleaning other people’s houses and an endless run of bad breaks. Only when Caine (Tatum), a genetically engineered ex-military hunter, arrives on Earth to track her down does Jupiter begin to glimpse the fate that has been waiting for her all along—her genetic signature marks her as next in line for an extraordinary inheritance that could alter the balance of the cosmos.

Some would call Jupiter Ascending an epic fail…and I would agree with them. This disaster is the brainchild of Andy and Lana Wachowski, who haven’t made a great film since The Matrix, back in 1999 (I didn’t forget about V is for Vendetta – that movie was good, not great). But after two overrated Matrix sequels, the animated chaos of Speed Racer (2008) and the “what the heck was that about” Cloud Atlas (2012), I really had low expectations. I haven’t given up on the Wachowskis yet…but I’m getting closer.

The plot of the film is weaker than the special effects – and the special effect are very weak, but more on that later. When we first meet Jupiter (Mila Kunis) she is scrubbing toilets in Chicago hotels but she’s really — wait for it — a princess. And not just any princess, she’s the reincarnation of a dead queen from Jupiter whose three children, Balen (Eddie Redmayne), Kalique (Tuppence Middleton) and Titus (Douglas Booth), are fighting over who will inherit the Earth. Come on, Wachowskis, you’re better than that – at least I want to believe you are better than that.

Unfortunately, it gets worse because it’s Channing Tatum as Caine Wise to the rescue. Channing Tatum is my least favorite actor in Hollywood and I challenge any fan to defend his performance in this one. His pointy ears, thick eyeliner and frosted hair make him even more ridiculous that usual. Oh and of course, he has to have his shirt off in almost every scene. It is absolutely hilarious listening to Sean Bean deliver Caine’s back-story. I dare you to watch it and not laugh.

Speaking of ridiculous, let’s talk special effects. The weapons and tech of the aliens look like the creations of second graders. And the aliens themselves look like rejected creatures from the SyFy Channel’s Face Off. I’m assuming they had a decent budget for the film; I just don’t have any idea where they spent it.

Please…yes I’m begging you, don’t watch this movie…it’s a “Coaster.”

SHOULD KIDS SEE IT?
There are a couple minute-long sequences where a woman is seen in her underwear. Tuppence Middleton and Eddie Redmayne’s buttocks are briefly seen. There is also a scene where it is implied that several women are having some sort of vague sexual activity with a man while floating.

Throughout the film there are a lot of prolonged action sequences. Some scenes contain little alien creatures that get shot and result in large blood splatter. There are a lot of explosions and shooting sequences with minor blood.

The profanity is very mild for a PG-13 film.

CONVERSATION STARTER

1. What were some religious views mentioned in the film? (Astrology, Polytheism, and Reincarnation)


2. What is your understanding of astrology?

Read Deuteronomy 4:19

And when you look up into the sky and see the sun, moon, and stars—all the forces of heaven—don’t be seduced into worshiping them.


3. What is your understanding of polytheism?

Read Mark 12:32

The teacher of religious law replied, “Well said, Teacher. You have spoken the truth by saying that there is only one God and no other.


4. What is your understanding of reincarnation?

Read Hebrews 9:27

And just as it is appointed for man to die once, and after that comes judgment.


5. Based on those verses, are astrology, polytheism, and reincarnation true? Are these things we should be following or putting our faith in?