Conan the Barbarian (11/22/2011)

Rated R for strong bloody violence, some sexuality and nudity.

Starring Jason Momoa, Rachel Nichols, Stephen Lang, Rose McGowan and Ron Perlman

Directed by Marcus Nispel (Friday the 13th (2009), Pathfinder, and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003))

The most legendary Barbarian of all time is back, unfortunately it wasn’t worth the wait.

A quest that begins as a personal vendetta for the fierce Cimmerian warrior soon turns into an epic battle against hulking rivals, horrific monsters, and impossible odds. Conan realizes that he is the only hope of saving the great nations of Hyboria from an encroaching reign of supernatural evil.

I’ll confess I don’t remember much of the 1982 Conan the Barbarian film starring the one and only Arnold Schwarzenegger…mostly because I was nine. But I do remember lots of killing and not a lot of talking. Marcus Nispel decided to keep that tradition going. Sure there is some dialogue and the “you killed my father” storyline, but there is way more grunting and killing than story.

I actually had a brief moment of hope as the movie opened when I heard the best narrator ever… Morgan Freeman – I’m still trying to figure out how they got freaking Morgan Freeman! But that moment did not last and for the next hour and a half I hoped this movie would get better…it didn’t.

Jason Momoa is an o.k. Conan. And by “o.k.”, I mean not bad, but not good either. He is not a good actor and tries to play the role with an intense, constant anger…well except for when he’s with the ladies. I seem to remember the Schwarzenegger Conan as more emotionless, but that may be because Arnold barely spoke English and couldn’t act – just saying. Rachel Nichols is the cliché modern “damsel in distress.” You know what I mean. We can’t have a female character who needs being rescued anymore. They all need to be strong and powerful and in need of just a little help. Stephen Lang is o.k. as the bad guy, but if you have seen Avatar or TV’s Terra Nova, expect more of the same.

I think one of the biggest missing pieces was the band of sidekicks who serve as the comic relief. Well that and shirts for the female slaves…I guess this movie takes place before they were invented (insert eye roll here).

I didn’t really expect too much from the updated Conan movie…and sadly I was still disappointed. I say “Skip It.”

SHOULD KIDS SEE IT?
In an extended scene, Conan rescues a large group of slaves. Most of the women are topless and then several of the women are carried off by Conan and his friends. No sex is shown but it is clearly implied. Later on, Conan and Tamara have sex in a cave and her breasts are shown during the scene.

The biggest reason for the R rating is the violence and gore. There are plenty of scenes with pervasive and brutal depictions of fighting, stabbing, decapitation and burning. But I found Conan’s birth to be one of the more disturbing scenes. His mother is wounded in battle and her abdomen is slashed open on a battlefield, by his father. That was pretty disturbing.

Conversation Starter
Three Simple Questions (with Answers You May Be Looking for):

Q: What’s the message/theme of this movie?
A: There is a scene where Conan says, “I live, I love, I slay and I am content.” What do you think he means when he says he is “content”?

What would make you content?

Q: How do you suppose we—as serious Christ-followers—should react to this movie?
A: Read 1 Timothy 6:6-8, “Yet true godliness with contentment is itself great wealth. After all, we brought nothing with us when we came into the world, and we can’t take anything with us when we leave it. So if we have enough food and clothing, let us be content.”

What’s the difference between Conan’s contentment and Paul’s?

How content are you? Would you like to be more content?

Q: How can we move from healthy, Bible-based opinions about this movie to actually living out those opinions?
A: Read Philippians 4:11-13, “I have learned how to be content with whatever I have. I know how to live on almost nothing or with everything. I have learned the secret of living in every situation, whether it is with a full stomach or empty, with plenty or little. For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.”

Paul said, “I have learned the secret of living in every situation,” what is that secret?

What are some areas in your life that you could learn how to be more content?

How can you start to work on those areas this week?