eZine 11.30.2010

Something happens to kids when they are repeatedly mocked and pushed around publicly. It changes them. It happened to my dad and it happened to me. But the hardest by far was to see it happen to my son, Alec.

Broken
When Alec was in the 5th grade, he changed in a period of six weeks. Our family had just moved across town and enrolled the kids into a new school. The girls adjusted fine, but Alec immediately became a target of harassment. My wife and I watched a sweet, innocent, gregarious boy slowly chiseled down to a quiet, sad little kid. Bitterness began to emerge. His posture literally changed. Previously he walked with confidence and a little bounce to his step. Six weeks later, his shoulders drooped and his head hung low, almost scared to look around.

It’s sad to see what bullying does to a kid. My dad and I both recognized it in Alec when we first saw it. We knew it all too well. He was emotionally broken.

My dad is 5’4″ as an adult. So as you can imagine, as a kid he was small-plus he was shy and a little on the pudgy side. It doesn’t take too many times hearing the words fat or midget thrown at you to develop a complex about your weight and size.

Kids don’t even need physical defects to be bullied, but if you have a major physical flaw, you’re a prime target. My buck teeth provided plenty of ammo for everyone. I shudder even typing those words-buck teeth. It seemed as though there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t hear them.

My baby teeth were fine. But when my permanent teeth came in… Wow! Rather than even describing it, I’ll just include a picture. (Yeah, those babies are real!)

I heard it every day.

“Hey, Bugs Bunny!”

“Hey, can opener!”

“Buck-toothed beaver!”

And not just from bullies, from little kids in the grocery store, too! “Mommy, what’s wrong with that kid’s teeth?!!” You wouldn’t believe the things that people say. (Or maybe you would…)

When bullies poked fun at me, I always hoped that adults would intervene. But my confidence in adults quickly faded as well. Most adults didn’t notice the jesting and teasing. Others actually laughed. In the fourth grade I was at a basketball camp, and a group of kids cornered me, making fun of my teeth. I had developed a quick wit by then and was trying to come back with some onslaughts of my own. But I don’t even remember what I had planned on saying, because I never finished my sentence. All I could manage was something like, “Oh yeah…well I can do something you can’t…”

And the coach finished my comeback: “Yeah! Chew through wood!”

Once a coach opens that door, it never shuts.

When my son was being bullied, I talked with the principal. I provided her with specifics. It wasn’t just boys. A girl in Alec’s class had just turned around in her chair the day prior, leaned on his desk and said, “Wow, you are the ugliest kid I’ve ever seen. Your mom must wonder, ‘Why is my kid so ugly!'”

The principal bragged. “Our school doesn’t tolerate any bullying.” She showed me a banner they posted. Our School Is Bully Free, the Way It’s Meant to Be. These Bully Free signs and banners are becoming even more common in schools across the country today. Google it. You can buy them all over the web, “to send a positive message and inspire students to think before they act.”

Really?

Alec and I still talk about that useless banner to this day.

Alec got to the point where some kids started pushing him and slapping the back of his neck. It was so hard for Lori and me to hear the terrible accounts day after day. Finally I told Alec, “You don’t have to take that. You can stand up for yourself.”

Alec just looked up at me with his big blue eyes and his lip quivering, “I don’t want to get into trouble.”

We ended up switching schools and enrolling him in martial arts to try to boost his confidence. He got plugged in with a group of really creative kids-like him-at his school and at church. Some of Alec’s scars slowly began to heal.

In the first week of middle school, though, some kids starting pushing him around-and during the bully’s paradise: physical education class. Alec would run around the track, and two boys would stop him and tell him, “You can’t pass.” Of course, the teacher was nowhere to be found. Note to school principals: It’s hard to be “bully free like it’s meant to be” when P.E. is a free-for-all for big kids. (Those of us who were bullied usually have terrible memories of P.E. Don’t even get me started about “picking teams.” I still have dreams about standing there alone, the last one chosen.)

I didn’t want to lose all the ground we had gained with Alec, so I asked him more about the situation. “Can you avoid these kids? Can you run somewhere else?” It’s always good to avoid the situation as best as possible. But the confrontation with these two bullies was unavoidable. Day after day they found Alec when the teacher wasn’t around.

I looked Alec in the eye and told him, “Alec, if those kids push you or corner you, hit them in the nose as hard as you can, and don’t stop swinging until someone pulls you off!”

Alec was shocked. “I thought I wasn’t supposed to fight.”

“Defending yourself is way different than fighting Alec,” I assured him. “If they bully you, you go Christmas Story on them!”

“But Dad, I’ll get suspended.”

“If you get suspended for defending yourself Alec, I’ll take the day off work, take you to ice cream and then we’ll hang out and have fun all day.” I gave him a hug. “You won’t get in trouble from me for defending yourself. You’ll get rewarded.”

I didn’t know if I was giving Alec sound advice, but speaking candidly as a father, I’ll confess that desperate situations sometimes generate desperate responses. At the time, I just wanted Alec to know that we were in his corner no matter what.

The next day when Lori brought Alec home from school, he looked scared.

“What happened?” I asked.

Alec was looking down at the ground when he talked. “I got sent to the principal’s office for fighting.”

I smiled and gave him a big hug. “Sweet! Let’s go to ice cream!”

At ice cream Alec told me the whole story. The kids stopped him on the track again and didn’t let him pass. Alec tried to go around, but one of the kids pushed him. Alec swallowed hard and started swinging. He hit one guy to the ground and the other grabbed him. Alec somehow managed to get the other kid in a headlock and started punching him as well. The punching turned to rolling on the ground. Next thing he knew, all three of them found themselves in the principal’s office.

The principal knew the other two kids by name; he didn’t know Alec. Alec told him his story. The principal said, “I don’t want to see you in here again. You can go.” Then he kept the other two in his office.

The next day one of those two kids came to school with a black eye.

Alec didn’t have any more physical confrontations that year. But the verbal abuse continued.

I wish I could tell you that Alec’s remaining years have been bully-free. They haven’t. He joined wrestling the next year in middle school, and that really helped. But during his freshman year of high school, bullies actually sat in the hallway and threw pieces of muffins at kids calling them “fags.” Alec said it happened all the time, not just to him, but to numerous kids. He just tried his best to avoid those hallways.

Alec eventually got his black belt in a Korean martial art. Funny…by the time he got it, he never had to use it. (Except when I wrestle him, of course; he always uses joint locks and hand techniques. Yikes!)

So…will standing up for yourself solve the problem? Different situations yield different results. My dad shared with me an experience similar to Alec’s:

Repercussions
Does bullying have long-term effects?

Now that Alec is a senior in high school…

What do you do when you encounter people in need like this? More importantly, what are we teaching our kids about how to respond to others in need?

Part of our responsibility as followers of Christ is making disciples. A great way to develop spiritual growth in the lives of young people is to give them opportunities to serve others in Jesus’ name. In other words, we need to teach our kids to be ministry minded.

So much of what we do in church today is ministry to teenagers; maybe we should consider doing more ministry by teenagers.

My friend Eric is an elementary school teacher. One day a few years ago Eric packed his lunch, got into his little grey Honda and embarked on his 25 minute commute to his school. About 22 minutes into his commute, he pulled off the freeway at the exit near the school. As Eric pulled up to the stop light at the end of a ramp, he noticed an unkempt man standing and holding a sign. Hungry. Please help. God Bless. This wasn’t the first time Eric had encountered this man.

Eric looked at the little brown paper bag resting on his passenger seat-roast beef sandwich, grapes, chips, some of his wife’s homemade oatmeal cookies and a water bottle. He sighed, grabbed the lunch and rolled down his window.

The man approached the car and Eric handed him the lunch.

“God Bless you!” The man said in a gruff voice, his head hanging low.

Eric went without lunch that day… but it didn’t bother him. Instead, it got his mental gears turning. Eric began thinking about how God could use him for ministry opportunities like this day to day.

The next morning, Eric made two lunches and embarked on his commute. This time, Eric scanned the roadside expectantly as he pulled up to the exit’s stoplight. The same man was there again. Eric rolled down his window and the man approached the car.

“Turkey sandwich today,” Eric said enthusiastically.

The man smiled and took the brown bag. “Thank you, sir. God Bless.”

Now, every day of the week, Eric makes two lunches. He eats one and he gives one away. This three minutes of time Eric spends every day inspired me and my family. Now we have the car stocked with granola bars, water bottles and McDonald’s certificates.

What are you doing to be proactive about ministry each day?

Each year the kids in our church spend Easter Break in the slums of Watts in Southern California. Many of their friends go skiing or partying for the week, but they devote the week towards mingling with the homeless, feeding them and engaging in one-on-one conversations.

“I love feeding the poor.” Greg Stier told me, in one of our podcast interviews. “I was poor! But if you just feed them, then all we’ll end up with is a bunch of people with full stomachs in Hell.”

I love Greg’s passion for evangelism. If you read his blog or visit his website at Dare2Share.org, you’ll be inspired by his articles, resources and ideas helping young people live out the great commission.

It’s exciting to see young people not only feeding people, but engaging in conversations. Sometimes those conversations lead to showing people where they can get “living water.”

What are you doing to help your kids be ministry minded?

Here’s a handful of ideas that parents and youth workers can use to help their kids be ministry minded during the holidays:

For even more ideas, check out our free Outreach Event Idea page where you’ll find ideas to share, serve and/or invite others to hear about Jesus.

How far away is your nearest McDonald’s?

Jonathan McKee’s brand new book Ministry by Teenagers will be available on our web site December 8th!

AN EYE-OPENING GLIMPSE INTO YOUTH CULTURE!
This seminar encourages parents that they CAN make a difference in the lives of their kids, and equips them to do just that. Jonathan gives us a glimpse into the highly sexualized world of youth culture and exposes the media messages your kids are immersing themselves with. Learn how to filter these influences and teach our kids discernment. Discover how to build lasting values and glean a few ideas that will help you open the channels of communication in your house.

CLICK HERE to contact Jonathan about booking

CLICK HERE for more information about Jonathan’s speaking and his speaking/training calendar

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